Are you keeping a lot of secrets?
Most people living with a drinking, drugging, eating, gambling, sex or other problem tend to keep many secrets about this side of their lives.
Shame underpins secrecy
The difficulty with keeping secrets is that the underlying motivation for secrecy is often shame. And shame can be corrosive.
A little bit of shame is actually good for us. It keeps our behaviour in check. It allows us to learn socially pleasant ways to behave with others. So, when your mum repeatedly told you off for hitting your brother or sister when you were little, she was doing you a favour.
Too much shaming, though, begins to change our view of ourselves and the world in ways that limit our ability to thrive.
The effects of too much shame
A person who has received repeated, negative messages about their behaviour, their beliefs, their ambitions, their appearance and so on, develops hostility towards themselves and others.
That experience also triggers a withdrawal from the comfort of being in your own body, because being you feels shameful. This results in poor treatment of the body: everything from substance abuse, over-exercising, poor dental care, lack of hygiene, exposure to STIs, lack of attention to pain and injury and so on.
People who have experienced a lot of shaming often cope using methods outside of themselves to block out their feelings (drink, drugs, food etc) and learn to ignore internal signs of bodily harm in order to protect their ability to continue to use these methods. For example, someone who drinks to excess to cope with life’s ups and downs, may live with symptoms such as hangovers, vomiting or organ pain from their drinking. These are signals that the body is being harmed. But a person who has learned to use alcohol to ease their passage through life, will block out the meaning of these signals in order to avoid having to stop drinking, as this is their coping mechanism.
True intimacy becomes impossible
Too much shaming also leads to a person withdrawing from relationships. Other people become perceived as source of threat. So, genuine closeness is avoided. Intimacy: the ultimate achievement of love; of being seen, heard and understood, of feeling secure and protected in a mutual, reciprocal relationship with another person, becomes impossible.
So, this is the source of secrecy. People living with addictive or problematic behaviours are often mired in shame, and are trying to hide both the shame they feel about themselves, and the strategies they are using to cope with their difficulties, by keeping it all secret from others.
Getting rid of shame
Recovery from alcohol, drug, food, gambling or other substance and behaviour problems entails shifting that shame. Privacy replaces secrecy. Secrecy, and all the trouble it causes, is no longer seen as useful or necessary. Living honestly and free of shame is one of the many joys of doing the work of recovery.
Telling our secrets to the wrong people can lead to more shaming. But seeking the right connection in which we can share our shame can be life-changing.
Coming into contact with someone else who understands, without judgement, why you have learned to keep so many secrets is a great first step to unwinding your shame. This may be with a therapist who seems to get what you’re going through, or others who have found recovery from the problem you haven’t been able to solve yourself and can show you how, such as in a 12-Step fellowship.
If you’re sick of keeping secrets and you’re tangled up in the lies you tell to protect them, I can help. So please feel free to contact me, and let’s start talking.