If you are tired of losing relationships, it usually means you have already tried very hard to stop it from happening. You have promised yourself you will do things differently. You have replayed conversations in your head. You have carried the weight of what has been said, what has not been said, and what has fallen apart. You’ve apologised so often it no longer means anything, even to you.
Relationship skills are at the core of all my clients’ troubles and all their solutions.
It can help to think about addiction, eating disorders, substance misuse and compulsive behaviours as substitute ways to set boundaries when a person has not learned to set boundaries effectively.
Clients often describe reverting to drinking too much, smoking, gambling, binge-eating and other patterns as an attempt to push the world away, to press the “fuck-it button”, to reward themselves, to carve out a place of peace, or to do something private that feels soothing.
In other words, these behaviours aren’t random. They’re doing a job
The problem is that using substances or behaviours to create boundaries around yourself, your time, or your need for privacy tends to wreak havoc with relationships. Arguments ensue. Marriages break down. Friendships fall apart. Firings happen. Then shame floods in, and many people cut and run rather than face the music and try to rebuild what matters. They may not even know how.
But we all need good relationships. Human beings are built for closeness with others. At root, we are pack animals.
So if you keep losing relationships and burning bridges, you are going to find yourself feeling lonely, isolated and lost, even if you look fine from the outside.
This is often the point where people reach out. They want their life to stop being organised around damage control, secrecy, and repair work that never quite holds.
The therapeutic relationship helps to build good relationship skills.
We begin with turning up for each other. We build trust. We reveal things about ourselves and experience non-judgemental acceptance. You get to see yourself through the eyes of someone who cares, and you learn to speak up instead of hiding what you really feel.
That learning does not stay in the therapy room. It leaves with you. It becomes something you practice in the outside world, helping you rebuild existing connections and form new, positive ones on top.
I work with people who are highly capable, intelligent and successful, yet privately stuck in patterns that are costing them relationships.
If you are tired of losing people, and you want something different, you are welcome to get in touch.
Please be aware that psychotherapy should not be considered an emergency treatment. If you are feeling suicidal, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14, and contact your GP or other healthcare provider for extra support.
