“Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.” Whatever the “it” is for you, this describes what it often feels like when things reach a crisis point.
You might be having the horrible realisation that you cannot stop a destructive behaviour, even though you have convinced yourself for the longest time that you could. You might be waking up every morning knowing you did it again, even though you swore faithfully the day before that you would not.
Maybe there is no hangover too ghastly, no mess too big, no debt too risky, no sickness too severe, no loved one too hurt to prevent you reaching out again for your substance or behaviour of choice.
Sometimes there is a loss of everything that once seemed important: wife, children, home, job, money, hobbies, freedom, and yet you keep going, trying to pretend to yourself that you no longer want those things anyway.
Life can start to revolve around alcohol, or drugs, or gambling, or food, or your weight, and there is very little else going on now. Friends and family slowly slip out of your life and you burn every bridge.
And as the world gets smaller, life can start to feel pointless.
Some people find themselves hoping their using will take them out so they do not have to end their own life. Some people are regularly thinking about ending their life, but they do not feel brave enough to do it.
If any of this is familiar, I want you to know two things.
First, this is a sign that you have been carrying too much for too long, and you need support. Second, you do not have to be ready to label yourself, or to come in with a neat explanation of what is going on. Most people do not. They come because the consequences have become impossible to ignore, and the pain of living has become unbearable.
This is often where addiction sits in the background, as the underlying pattern, even when it is not the word you would use for yourself.
If you are in immediate danger or you cannot keep yourself safe right now, please seek urgent help. In Australia you can call 000, or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you are elsewhere, contact your local emergency number.
If you are not in immediate danger, and you want help to get through this, you are welcome to get in touch. One small step today is enough.
Please be aware that psychotherapy should not be considered an emergency treatment. If you are feeling suicidal, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14, and contact your GP or other healthcare provider for extra support.
